mystique

Emotions

2007-06-15T02:30:45Z

Alright, so here's the deal. I am feeling complete and utter regret over an action that I took. I made a choice to go along with a choice made by one of my friends. I was heavily under the influence at the time, otherwise I feel that what occurred wouldn't have to the extent that it did. In any case, it did, and I regret what happened but I have to accept it.
My friend and I have talked things out, and it seems to be better, however, I still feel that there is something out of place. We are very close indeed, and trust each other infinitely. Nothing can break that, even this. Yet, after the fact both our heads are swimming with thoughts that can't be shared, secrets that can't be told and images that can't be shed. It is an awkward position, and one I don't much care for, yet here I am. I helped to create this mess, even though he will not allow me to take blame, and I'm stuck as to how to fix it entirely. I feel horrible for what I've done, and how I've handled it, but we have reached an understanding. A compromising of both our feelings. I'm not certain how I feel about him, and he's not certain how he feels about me. There are false readings within the smoke which complicates matters. However, this is the situation now, and one that cannot be altered more than what it already has. Together we must work through this murk and come to a solid foundation of concrete feeling.

Rambling...

2007-04-04T21:09:23Z

You know those times when you are mad at yourself and you don't know how to push it away, to get over it, to amend things? I had a time like that two weeks ago. It was a horrible feeling. I didn't know how to make things better, and to make things worse I was NOT in the good books of my best friend. No matter what I did, it didn't seem to be the right thing. I had to completely tip-toe around her, and it was horrible. She wouldn't talk to me, so I couldn't figure out what I DID do too hurt her, and when ever I asked she would just respond nothing, mean-while glaring at me. I didn't know what to do, and it was quite painful. Then all of a sudden, the following week she was fine again. She talked to me, she laughed with me, she didn't glare at me. I still don't know what was wrong, but I like things much better when we can actually get a long.

As for being mad at myself, I guess I've figured out a way to put it behind me. There are still quite a few loose ends in that area. At a time in my life when everything is supposed to be taking shape and formulating, everything seems to be falling apart. I have no control over myself and my surroundings anymore, and that's what scares me. I cannot stop myself from crumbling...I have no floor beneath my feet of which I can stand on. I'm completely open and vulnerable to everything thrown at me. It scares me and leaves me too weak to imagine. I thrive on having complete control of myself. Its what holds me together, control. It may sound cold and harsh and completely brutal to say that I need control to survive, but it's how I am. I am a control freak, to an extent. I try not to control other people, but disorganization of any sort usually makes me itch to take over the project and organize the systems within it. This is seen as controlling, but it keeps me centred. And I try not to be too brutal and harsh about it, although I'm sure I am in some cases. I just can't help it.

There was something else I thought of...perhaps it was my stress...or busy-ness. I have been generally busy these past few weeks. It is now competition season, and that ALWAYS gets crazy. Then there is always the school work, and general work, and meetings, and life, and cleaning, and eating (which takes up too much time in my opinion). Anyway, being busy just seemed to add to the stress of life. It just heightened everything that was going on, and not particularly in a good way. I love being busy...I crave busy-ness, just as I crave control. This busy has been a boring sort of busy...that is what I was going to talk about. I have been bored with life, frustrated with the stand-still I have living with. When I get bored I don't have the patience or the will-power to do everything I need/want too. My work ethic becomes slack, I take twice as long to do something then what I normally would. It is a horrible position to be in really.

grief

2007-02-26T02:17:21Z

On Friday afternoon I lost a friend: a friend I went to church with; a woman who has touched many lives; who was one of the most of amazing women I have ever, and will ever have the chance to know. It was a complete tragedy, completely unexpected, and inexplicably horrible. I went to her viewing today, as I will be unable to go to her funeral tomorrow. I think it was one of the most horrible things I experienced, and in the end humiliating.

I have built this emotional wall, which prevents me from expressing my emotions very well, save for anger, frustration, happiness, etc. I guess it is mainly an emotional barrier towards sadness. I have always tried to be the strong one in my family. I try not to let too much get to me, and I also have a hard time expressing those sad, hurt, pained emotions. There are only a few times when I let things pierce that barrier; when I cannot stop the emotions. Tonight was one of those nights. I saw her two daughters, and I completely lost it. And then I slightly pulled myself in, and then I shook her husbands hand, and it would have been fine if that's all that happened, but of course it wasn't. I had to tell him that I was with my parents and my younger sister, and that I never had Sue as a teacher, and then I said I'm sorry. I looked as Sue's open casket, looked at my hand clasped in her husbands, and I completely lost control. I started crying, and I couldn't really stop. My mom had to come over and take me away.

Now, I know tears are normal, and know it is a natural reaction to cry when you've lost a friend, but it was embarrassing at the same time. I mean, there were so many people who went through that line-up of people and shook all of their hands...people who would have know Sue better, no doubt, and then I end up loosing it like that. It was completely mortifying and embarrassing. I know that doesn't sound normal, to an extent...but that's how I feel. I feel as though I didn't really have the right to do that while her daughters seem braver than me, and her husband is standing there all "manly" and strong. And I felt weak. That is one of the reasons why I build a barrier, I suppose. To save me from feeling weak, and useless, and defenseless. I can't explain myself any better than that.

blah!

2007-02-21T01:22:52Z

I'm not sure how to explain everything I'm feeling right now. I feel lost and yet there is no reason for me to feel this way. All the stresses in my life are over...well at least my major ones for now. All I have to worry about at this moment is the upcoming dance competition, and class, and school work, and having fun, and relaxing, and that really isn't a lot (I have to concern myself with relaxing!!! I mean really!).

I just don't understand this...this uncertain feeling. I feel as though my life should fall in place, one step at a time. However, I feel trapped inside a bubble that is in a stand-still and I am forced to crawl around while the world rushes by. Or perhaps my body can move in the natural paths of reality but my mind is stuck in a slow gloopy puddle. Even my description is slow and gloopy. I just can't capture this feeling, the closest way to describe it is uncertainty.

YAY!!

2007-02-17T02:26:52Z

The first DanCentral show is complete, and it was such a success! Oh things went so well. Much better than I could have even hoped! Everything came together, just the way it's supposed to! Every number was ready, and prepared. It was just so AMAZING!! Oh, I am so happy!!!!!!! Hopefully tomorrow will go just as well....or even better! haha!

Fluff

2007-02-10T01:50:56Z

Well lets start with how much I dislike rushing, and especially the rushing that leads to stress. This past time has been spent rushing, and stressing over what I'm rushing for. It is like a race. A race with time, and time always seems to win. But there has to be a break within the space of time. This hole in time is hard to reach. Yet the glory of meeting the hole changes the time, changes the race.

I guess it doesn't matter now. Everything I and some others have been striving for crashes next week. It will all come together, or it won't. We'll see how the race against time pans out.

Everything

2007-02-04T22:30:25Z

You know that moment when everything crashes in on you? When you start to suffocate in your own life? When everything goes wrong, when all you want to happen is things to go right? When you want something really badly, but what you get isn't what you want? That moment crushes your world, and makes you re-evaluate your entire situation. It forces you to pay attention to the details in your life. Nothing seems to work, and those little things that do have nothing to do with you. You feel like bad luck; like when you get involved with something, everything will go wrong. It crushes you, and makes you feel weak and vulnerable and horrible. It breaks you when you need to be strong. It hurts when you don't need the pain. It follows you when you don't need to have the heavy weight. It is like the cage that makes you sink when you want to wade in the shallows of the pool. It grabs you by the ankle and takes control of you. The harder you resist, the more it becomes you. It is a horrible cycle that takes control of your entire system.